Yes, the French kiss (oh come on on the La Bise) has always confused me. Once, twice or three times? Confused? Read on
It’s been three years since the Republic of France and I parted ways. There are things I miss about my former home (hot chocolate and people-watching at Le Régent, for example), and things I don’t.
Frankly, I’m not missing kissing. (Or as the French call it, faire la bise.)
The first time I moved to France, as a teenager, I was blissfully unaware of the seismic cultural shifts that were in store for me. Life in Caen took a lot of getting used to -- and I’m not just talking about the language issues.
One day I was in town doing some shopping when I spied a girl I’d met at a party the previous week. “Salut, Thérèse,” I called out, waving happily.
She looked at me blankly for a second before smiling politely in recognition. "La Canadienne," she murmured, leaning close, and closer, and then -- just as I started wondering if she was going to whisper in my ear -- kissing me on the cheek. Twice.
My first French kiss. I can still feel the shock.
Many years later, the double kiss would become a standard greeting between my friends and me. But at that time, being kissed by another girl -- and a stranger at that -- was not something I was used to.
What I didn’t realise is that, to the French, la bise is not really a kiss. Not the way we Anglos define it, anyway. There’s nothing remotely sexual about it, any more than a hearty handshake could be construed as "holding hands".
Knowing something and being comfortable with it, however, are sometimes very different things. When I returned to France 20 years after that first encounter, I struggled all over again with the concept of kissing people I barely knew. Witness the following email I sent to a friend several months into our stay:
The whole kiss-kiss thing just freaks me out. Whenever [my daughter’s friend and her family] come over, it takes forever to get all the kissing out of the way. Each of us has to kiss the dad, the mom and the kids. And that's just to say hello. When they leave we have to do it all again.
I eventually managed to wrap my head around the concept of kissing hello and goodbye. The rules are a little tricky, but here -- as far as I can figure out -- are the basics of la bise:
The 5 W’s of kissing à la française
Who
The possibilities include family and friends, as well as people who have been introduced by a mutual acquaintance. La bise crosses gender lines: women kiss men as well as other women, although men are more likely to shake hands with each other.
A general rule of thumb: if two people tutoient each other (address each other with the familiar tu instead of the more formal vous), faire la bise is in order. When in doubt, a handshake probably won’t ruffle any feathers.
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